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[Centurion]

What a great idea a joke page.. ..
    

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill."What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

[AbaddonsFury]

Paddy walks out of a pub in Belfast, blind, rotten drunk and as he's stumbling down the path he passes a dark alley, suddenly an arm reaches out and grabs him, drags him into the alley, forces him to his knees and a pistol is cocked then pressed against the back of his head, then a voice says to him in a strong Irish accent, "Are you protestant or are you catholic"..
Not wanting to be shot, Paddy thinks quick and says, "Neither, I'm Jewish", feeling confident his answer just saved his life , he smiles.....
And then the gunman says, "Well I'll be fucked, I must be the luckiest muslim in Ireland"...

[Gator]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

[Rayne]

Oooh ooh, I know lotsa jokes but never told at TOG cos well.....they're either too rude or not of appropirate taste but it here it doesn't matter right??




Why do women love to suck circumcised dicks?

because they can't fucking resist anything with 10% off!





The 8 year old boy who weighs 14 stone was asked ealier on tv today what his favorite musical instrument was at school.....the fat c%$t said the lunch bell.






One day a chicken was walking through a meadow when she saw a horse stuck in the mud. Thinking fast, she got the farmers sports car, tied one end of rope to the bumper and the other to the horse and pulled the horse to safety.

The following week the horse was walking through the meadow and saw the chicken stuck in the mud. Thinking fast, he told the chicken to hold onto his willy while he pulled her to safety.


AND THE MORAL TO THIS STORY IS?



























If you're hung like a horse you don't need a flash car to pick up chicks!

[Gator]

Rayne - I em deeply shocked ... 

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[purplex]

Why are women such bad drivers?


Cause for years, men have been telling them that this:


<------------------------------>

is 6 inches!  :P

[M_C]

what did one tampon say to the other tampon?

nothing they are both stuck up c@%ts

[purplex]

You know a blonde is having a bad day when she has a tampon stuck behind her ear...










and can't find her pencil...

*snickers*

[M_C]

why did the blonde dye her hair brunette?

so as she had some artificial intelligence

[Nivlac]

100 Reasons It’s Great To Be A Guy!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guy in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you smash ‘em into the boards).

16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana.

50. You can say anything (”Wow, do my balls hurt!”) and not worry about what people will think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone notices your new haircut.

59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.

67. you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

69. Same work…more pay!

70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

73. You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

79. ESPN’s SportsCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends you’ve changed.

86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Fuck it.”

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything different?”

99. Baywatch

100. There’s always a game on somewhere.




10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY

1. You have to take out the garbage.

2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

3. No sofas in your restrooms.

4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.

6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8. You have to wear ties.

9. you can’t flirt you way out of a jam.

10. “Women and children first.”

[Centurion]

Part 2 of war & peace coming soon....

[eatit]

Woman goes to the cops and claims she's been the victim of grape.
Cop says, "Don't you mean rape?"
"No", she says, "there was a bunch of 'em."




A highwayman is riding through the forest on his horse when, all of a sudden, he hears a woman screaming for help.

Without a second thought for his own safety, he immediately changes direction and gallops as fast as his noble steed will carry him in the direction of the distressed woman.

Eventually, he reaches a clearing and springs off his horse as he sees a beautiful but badly beaten woman tied naked too a tree.

Upon seeing the highwayman, the woman's eyes light up. Choking back the tears she says, 'Thank god you're here. I was riding through the forest when a gang of men captured me, ripped off all my clothes, tied me to this tree and raped me repeatedly.'

At which point, the highwayman walks towards the woman, reaches for his zip, pulls out his cock and says ... 'It's not your lucky day, is it love!'

[Nivlac]

Part 2 of war & peace coming soon....

I could post my top 10K things that piss me off list  :P

[M_C]

16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

are you sure?

i think it should be

16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

[Ctulu]

I would've changed it into 'apparently usefull' .... just to be more sublte