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[Ctulu]

what a nice little man 

[Jerseygirl]

Life can be stranger than fiction sometimes

[Glamdring]

A girl calls her Mother,'Mum I'm getting a divorce.'
'A Divorce? Why?' The mother asks shocked.
'Mum all he wants is bum sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece.'
The mother says, 'Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a porsche, a platinum credit card, villa in marbella, kids in private school, and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p.

[Jerseygirl]

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bull-shit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with asses this big." He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish story justice.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch."





A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."





A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him,"If you're blind, why do you want to fly?"

And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience.

So off through the skies they went! The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!"

A voice came over the speaker that said, "If you are a blind man, how do you know you're upside down?" The man said, "Because shit is running out of my collar!!!!"





Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.

As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"





Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so therightful owner could claim them.

The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..."

"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts."

"No they're not," says the first, "They're boys shorts!"

The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no.... Definitely girls gym shorts!"

The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing.

"Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!"..... and so on.

The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument.

The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts!.........but not from my parish!"

[Glamdring]

 

[Glamdring]

You'd never have thought it  NSFW

[Jerseygirl]

Pmsl Glam, I'll never look at the Wizard Of Oz in the same light again



There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.

The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?"

The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.

The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones.

"Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room.

That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?"

"That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes the bones,

Screws the other two dogs and runs away.

"Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man. "That's a lawyer's dog!"





The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44; I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"





Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."





Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?

The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"





A woman had forgotten to get her estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause-- hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability--returned.

At the drugstore, she found herself telling the pharmacist all about my problems.

After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"





Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like"."





Fire Insurance
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied,

"This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"

[Jerseygirl]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000!What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."





A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight."

The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.

He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 11, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."





A man enters a pharmacy and requested a supply of Viagra.

The clerk sends him over to speak with the pharmacist.

The pharmacist tells the man he would need a Doctor's prescription in order for her to dispense the drug.

The man, seemingly pacified, leaves.... and returns with a gun. He pulled a hand gun and demanded Viagra again.

The pharmacist gave him four full bottles and two partial bottles, then the man fled.

The police sergeant who was first on the scene pondered, "This makes me wonder. Do we look for a hardened criminal?"





A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized t-shirt and sunglasses.

The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?"

"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.

"But the ocean is eight hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.

"Eight hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. "Boy, wow, what a beach!"





I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"





Three of the tennis foursome head for the showers after the match. The fourth one just gets in his car and goes home.

This happens every week - the same three shower, number four doesn't.

Finally, one guy asks him why he doesn't shower after playing tennis; he is, after all, just as hot and sweaty as the other three.

"To tell you the truth," he says, "I'm kind of shy about being naked in front of other guys. To be perfectly blunt, I'm not all that well endowed."

"Well," his friend says, "does it work all right?"

"As far at that goes, sure, it works all right. I've been getting laid on a daily basis for almost 20 years. It never fails to perform."

"How'd you like to trade it for one that looks good in the showers?"

[Jerseygirl]

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.

"You don't have much to say, do you?"





Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner, Jenny said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say. "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Jenny said. "Charley was too tired."





My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says,

"I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."





A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.





Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Men just don't listen!





The real reason that we  can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse  or Parliament, is this -
You cannot  post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not  Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building  full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It  creates a hostile work  environment.





A farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a
 message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting
 my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for
 the bull &  $50 for the hog,  but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Glamdring]

Love all of those.

[Jerseygirl]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said,

"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said,

"Crap, am I driving?"





Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas Tx. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.

We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."





Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"





A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"





A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."





A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Jerseygirl]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed
the tube & Mick came on the bus!!






A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a
drink.


He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!"


Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn’t know we had a
choice!"






Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people
are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!!"







Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.


After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are
getting on"






Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!






An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says


"You're not very tight for a Jew!"


She says "Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!"






Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"





Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
"Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!"


Paddy says "What’s his name?"

Mick replies "Miles from London!"

[eatit]

This won an award at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival apparently...

Just got back from a 'Holiday of a lifetime'.
'Never again!'

[Ctulu]

that seems like easy money in the till ...

[Condor Baggins]

The dude who cracked that joke was on tv last week, and he was even less funny than that....