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[Condor Baggins]

^^

 

[eatit]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Sydney. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mum?"  His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

[Thermalsig]

BEST COME BACK LINE EVER

    In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
    On Monday, at the courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
    "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
    around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" He stated in an interview.
    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose; cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
    It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

    Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

    I said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... A pumpkin? Shit... is it midnight already?

[Hijpo]

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as it comes home, it rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks and the geese. Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The chock opens one eye, points up and says, "Ssshhh. They're about to land!!"

 Paddy was thrown into a cell, in there was a big black man, he got up and got out his big cock and banged it on the sink, the sink smashed into bits, he then banged his cock along the bars and bent them, he turned to paddy and said im gonna shove this up yours arse, to which paddy replies thank fuck for tha i thought you was gonna hit me with it ...

[eatit]

If a women doesn't like watching me masturbate, she shouldn't sit next to me on the bus...

[Centurion]

Drinking and Driving - I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Earlier this week, I was at a Christmas party with some friends and had a few too many drinks. Knowing full well I was over the limit, shouldn't use the car and there was no-one with me to drive me home, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.........

[Hijpo]

I had an interview for a blacksmiths. He said "have you ever shoed a horse?" i said "no but i have told a donkey to fuck off"

[digidix]

WOMEN....

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.
...
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and

comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and

give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most

handsome man in the room

and will enable him to be the most confident,

sexy, seductive and invincible.


No wait.... Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that. Never mind.

[Glamdring]

3 Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey ......

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she
gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..!'

[digidix]

Person A: "What's the difference between a refrigerator and a toilet?"
Person B: "I don't know."
Person A: "You're disgusting!"

[Thermalsig]

Sent by  Droid X while sniping squirrels from my roof.

[digidix]

Sent by  Droid X while sniping squirrels from my roof.

Hahahahaha

[Wooster]

I sent that card to myself on Tuesday.


It made my day.

[Glamdring]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling their brests.
"Really?" she said go on then ...Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on,"she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday," I replied.

[Thermalsig]

Nice, Glam. I'm going to have to pay that forward.

Sent from my the webs in search of the elusive. "woman manual" on my Fire