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[Wooster]

Yep! 

The kebab was twice the price of that council hooker, but worth every penny.

[AbaddonsFury]

Yep! 

The kebab was twice the price of that council hooker, but worth every penny.

lol...council hooker, it wasnt the local mp was it...or Jocky Wilson...., your tax dollars, working harder for you....

[Vasco]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his Private Parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.


"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.


"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Wooster]

 

That made me lol even though it's 08:30 and I feel like I haven't slept a wink..

[Ctulu]

damn that's an old joke overhere
funny to see jokes are transglobal 

[Vasco]

Men Are Just Happier People 

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.     You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Graying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.   A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Wooster]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was
due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last
minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his
wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be
getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is
cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed
off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the
predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up
the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
answered and was told that her husband's client, James
Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after
all. Wright would not be hanged tonight

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have
had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good
news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted
by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying
his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said,
to which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[AbaddonsFury]

Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute....








A rooster goes....cocka doodle dooooooooo.......

A prostitute goes ......any cock'll doooooooo........

[Vasco]

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[Thermalsig]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and
> dies.
>
> He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for
> him.
>
> "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on
> my list, but
> I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
> so I'll tell
> you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
> who weren't
> quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have
> to take their
> place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
> OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
> the door to the
> first room.
>
> In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
> diving in, and
> surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove
> in and
> surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
>
> "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer,
> and I don't
> think I could do that all day long."
>
> The devil led him to the door of the next room.
>
> In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of
> rocks. All he
> did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No,
> this is no
> good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
> constant
> agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented
> OJ.
>
> The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill
> Clinton, lying on
> the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
> restrained in a
> spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
> what she
> does best.
>
> OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said,
> "Yeah man, I
> can handle this."
>
>
> The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
>
>
>
> -
> -
> -
>
> -
>
> -
>
> -
>
> "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Ctulu]

poor clinton 

[Wooster]

An Italian bloke turns up at a Glasgow hotel with his son in tow and books a room.
Receptionist: "Can I have your names Sir?"
Italian: "Si! My name is Tony and" slapping the kid around the head "this is my son Carlo! With the bigga da fucking head!"
Receptionist: "Excuse me?"
Tony: "I said my name is Tony and this ees my son Carlo, with the bigga da fucking head!" again slapping the kid around.
The receptionist is horrified and says "I'm sorry Sir! But you shouldn't treat your son like that!
Tony says: "But why not? I'm telling no lie! He does" slapping the kid again "have the bigga da fucking head!"
The receptionist says "We'll you might think that kind of behaviour is acceptable, but I don't, and if you treat him like that again I'll call the police!"
Tony leans in close to her and says "I tell you a story!"
"I was in love with a girl in my village, it took me many years to pluck up the courage to ask her to a dance and I thought it was the most magical night of my life! Soon we were engaged to be married and I thought that too was the most magical of my life! But then we were married and I realised that the beautiful love we made every night had to be the most magical of my life and the magic would last forever!
But I was wrong!
9 months later along comes Carlo 'with the bigga da fucking head'!!"

[AbaddonsFury]

Whats black and furry and screams alot.





A baby covered it funnel web spiders.

[Nivlac]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[Vasco]

Whats black and furry and screams alot.
A baby covered it funnel web spiders.

Keasy Pt for making me laugh.