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[Centurion]

A beautiful blonde woman stepped onto an airplane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The stewardess proceeded to go around checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the blonde woman she noticed that it was for coach seating, not first class.

She tells the woman, “You’re ticket says coach and we have a full flight today. I’m going to have to ask you to move.”

To which the blonde woman replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the blonde woman that she must move.

Again, the blonde replies, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m going to L.A. and I’m getting there in first class.”

Also confused, they go get the captain of the plane. He tells the blonde woman that she must move.

The blonde starts to say, “You don’t understand, I’m blonde, beautiful, I’m…” when the captain interrupts and asks, “Can I whisper something in your ear?”

“Sure.” she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear.

Suddenly the blonde woman gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face.

The flight attendants are startled. “How did you get her to move?”

The captain said, “I told her that first class isn’t going to L.A.”

[Centurion]

 
This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun
Newspaper.

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to
A guy from Liverpool .

My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependant on my two sisters who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder
Of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising
Her knowledge of the industry working as a manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them
Off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.




Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?
 
 

[Ctulu]

the build up was excelent ... the propper knowledge of a scouser lacking made it passable 

[Centurion]

Thank you kind sir...........walks away scratching head..

[Ctulu]

I didnt get it at the end :cry: for I do not properly know what a scouser is 

[Centurion]

A Scouser

    

Inhabitiant of liverpool, often downplayed by rival cities due to false stereotypes from godawefull 80's TV shows such as "Bread", "Boys from the black stuff" and "Brookside" depicting them to be thieves and killers, and enforced by the peasant underclass of youths known as "scallys" or "chavs" who are generally annoying cunts. while these can be found anywhere in the United Kingdom, some people live under the delsuion that they dont exist around them, and they are only found in liverpool.

Scousers are usually easy going, up for a laugh, and welcoming to outsiders, and usually posess a strong wit similar to that of the Irish, and Geordies, also loves a good party!

"we do dat doe dont we doe?"

"calm down!"

    

People from Liverpool who aren't that different from anyone else, except we don't slag off other cities as much as everyone else slags us off.

The myth of scousers as criminals is usually reinforced by right wing toffs and the gutter press, who've never visited Liverpool - probably because we don't tolerate third-hand bigoted remarks from people who can afford a 'good education'.


The nice ones are really nice, ie very friendly & chatty, like to take the mickey out of all and sundry and as honest and trustworthy as the day is long.

Bad ones are quite possible the most irritating people ever met, with large chips on their shoulder who whinge a lot and can't be trusted as far as they can be thrown.

Hope this helps!!!

[Wooster]

A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently
breaks wind.
 
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is
the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're probably going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

[Gator]

A Scottish joke ...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

 

[AbaddonsFury]

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat down on a tuffett,
eating her curds and whey.
When along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and said "WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN AT BITCH".

[Centurion]

Always confused me that line..
eating her kurds and way.

[Wooster]

Curds and Whey

It's a by product from cheese making. 

(Little Miss Muffet is a milking girl I think, given that I believe a tuffet is one of those three legged milking stools.. )

[Ctulu]

Curds and Whey

It's a by product from cheese making. 

(Little Miss Muffet is a milking girl I think, given that I believe a tuffet is one of those three legged milking stools.. )

I should've guesed you were a cow expert, living next door to the hag 

[Wooster]

Nah, I'm just a right intelligent bastard. 

[eatit]

*warning*

MCraes Family are devastated, however their friends are all rallying round.

[Wooster]

 

Not bad..