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[Jerseygirl]

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.  They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine"





Smart Pizza Boy
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house.

Amanpreet asked, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Preet.

The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."





Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2007 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"





A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative.

"Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because the black horse don't know diddly about cars".





Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring...!"

[Hallcat]

IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN TEXAS...

....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

....the trees are whistling for the dogs.

....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

....hot water comes from both taps.

....you can make sun tea instantly.

....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.  (this one is true)

....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.  (this one is true)

....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.  (this one is true)

....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.  (this one is trueish)

....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.  (true)

....your biggest bike wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and

    end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?

....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.

....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out

    and add butter.

....the cows are giving evaporated milk.

....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from

    laying boiled eggs

 
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS  (these are all UN-true no water is spared when it comes to saving souls in Texas and Catholics drink wine no matter the water table levels)

That the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling,

The Methodists are using wet-wipes,

Presbyterians are giving rain checks,

And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

[eatit]

Yesterday this happened...

Woman in street just stopped me and asked if I was an animal lover.
I said "depends on the animal and how it's cooked".
She promptly called me a prick but walked away...result all round then

^copied from my Facebook page.

I had a right old chuckle to myself.

[Jerseygirl]

One coworker was talking to another coworker by the water cooler one day.
He said, "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

The other coworker replied, "Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."





One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"

"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"

"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."





When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.

"Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.

At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all... what's a few nails?"





Trucker Picks Up A H..
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"





Little Danny O'Brian, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.

"What's going on here?!" bellowed the officer.

"It's like this officer," winked Danny. "I am on my way to confession and I'm a little short of material."

[Jerseygirl]

A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the countryside. On one of his long walks, he passed a Mental Institution, and behind the chain link fence, he saw the patients fighting ferociously with each other.

Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked what was going on. The man replied, "This happens every day; there's nothing else to do." So John went to see the director and offered to install a swimming pool at his expense.

The director was very happy with the offer and accepted immediately. Ten days later, John received a phone call from the director, requesting his presence the following day for the grand opening. Pleased, John accepted. He than decided to take a stroll out to the Institution to see how well the pool had been built.

As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and exited voices. A few yards later, he had a full view of a beautiful pool, complete with high tower diving boards, for which the patients were lining up to do cannonballs and swan dives. Calling the same man at the fence, John said, "You guys like this, huh? I see no more fighting, isn't this fun?"

The man replied, "Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it'll be even more fun when they put the water in it."





It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beea'."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed a deep red, gathered her composure and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur pecker?"





A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Paris Hilton.

That evening, the man introduced Paris to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again..

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Paris, cautiously and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[Jerseygirl]

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."





Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"

"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"

"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."

"Well, thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."

"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."

"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."

Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the "Oh's" and "Ah's" started, and then ending with the same question, "Where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?"

"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."

The two little girls were stunned.

The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.

Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!"





Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

[Glamdring]

Magic Willy Naughty joke in .rtf format.

[Hap Hazzard]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.

[Hap Hazzard]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

[Thermalsig]

http://www.engrish.com/

[Jerseygirl]

Therm...you have a sense of humour?!!   

[Jerseygirl]

The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce Company were impressed by their new billboard. It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant. A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.

Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"

But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline.

Now it reads: "He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"





Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"





Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?' 





In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."

[Thermalsig]

Therm...you have a sense of humour?!!   

I think I have a better sense of humor than highlight. copy. post....rinse. repeat.

[Splinter]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Edinburgh and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes I've had quite a few enquiries about this job. The job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions, then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to travel to Oxford."

"Oh, why - is that where the job's based?"

"No, that's where the end of the queue is."

[Glamdring]

Therm...you have a sense of humour?!!   

I think I have a better sense of humor than highlight. copy. post....rinse. repeat.
<img alt="Animated dancing banana" src="[url]http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/2/dance.gif">[/url]

I think you have just broken the Jokes thread...